Night.Caps_18.01.09_Is he that into you?

On 2/6/09, He's Just Not that into You appears in theaters. Based on the bestselling relationship advice book by the same title, the movie and book give scenarios that demonstrate why a guy just might not be interested. The scenarios also show how women can sometimes be nearly oblivious to the fact that a guy might not be feeling her as seriously as she is feeling him. This may or may not have ever happened to you, but even if it hasn't, you could imagine how devastating it must be to realize that "You're just a friend," even if you are one of those, well, "beneficial" type of friends. My question to all of you is:

How do you know if a guy or girl is just not that into you?

My Comments: The point is if you really care. I think I can always tell if a guy is that into me, for many of the reasons explained below. In college, one could have a casual relationship and not really give a hoot, but now, for me at least, my perspective has done a complete 180. But of course, there's always that one person (mine was Freshman AKA 1^st year for all those Wahoos/Cavaliers out there). I was really into this guy…really into him, but he was "brand new to the game" let's say, and I was just getting over my high school sweetheart. I think it was probably hard for both of us to read the signals. In a funny way though, we've started chatting a bit lately….and who knows…have we matured enough, experienced enough to know if we are that into each other now. I sure hope so. The thing is that now, as a mom, and as a woman wanting a serious, committed relationship, I'm just not all that available to play the silly games. I feel that a lot of women in these scenarios (in the book/movie) are playing games with themselves. They aren't that stupid, yet they find comfort in a sort of pseudo idea of love. It reminds me of "If a lie gonna get me through/I'd rather not know the truth," kind of thing (shout out to Jazmine Sullivan). But whatever. See everyone's comments below:

Reader Comments

(Late) EyeOfHorus: It is never simple. It is always plagued by the person's personality. I have played all roles of this question. From the guy being pursued to the guy who is pursuing, to the friend of the pursuer to the friend of the person being pursued – and my deduction has always come across that you wont honestly know – until later on. The later on point is when someone comes to that standstill position and asks "Ok WTF? Are we or aren't we?" Because within this time of game/wordplay you'll find a few moves to action, but words nor actions mean anything in this part of life simply because even when the person is into you they will usually question themselves while questioning the person whether they are even interested (or every run around question as to not run them off – or ruin the friendship they think they have with the person.) However, here are a few key things: 1) Attention: a. if they tend to pay attention to little things, like your convo to who is writing on your facebook wall, these people are always the first to think of if they are into you. b. if they desire your time. Nothing says Im into you than wanting time. A good test is to call them to see if you can spend time with them. If they pick up to talk with you with excitement, and they actually do their best to fit you into whatever schedule they have; or if the person calls and etc – then you got a winner 2) The conversation: it always becomes a thing to know who you are. The person is trying to see if they really are into you, so questions tend to come out or topics (beyond sex and religion) come up. Remember, they are questioning themselves and you, so be careful for your answers, and your questions. 3) Interaction: When you are around that person, remember that body language is still the most important part of conversations, as well as being able to read their motives. So when you are around them and having these conversations, as well when you are with them and around others – flirting, closeness, eye-contact, smiles, the elongation of hugs, the number of times they try to be around you in a crowd full of friends, and maintaining the respect, manners, and responsibility of giving you attention – these all come into play as ways to find out if that person is into you. Taking all of these in mind do please remember that these can prove true for someone who is simply keeping playing games, but even they are into you.

Msbutiful: I don't know the real answer to that, but what I do know is that if he's that into you, he will tell you – Simple as that. It's so easy to get excited at the prospect of a new fling-- that fresh chemistry, new booty, etc – that we tend to over indulge ourselves and inflate situations according to our mood. Such as, if we're happy, then he's definitely your new man, or in the case that he disappoints you, you think it must mean there's got to be more drama to the story (i.e., a baby mama/ another girl/ or something in the closet etc.), not that it could be that he's just not that into you… JUST STOP! Live in the moment and you may pick up more signals that keep you in reality. Everybody has the power to dictate their relationships, but it has to correspond with who you are in order to stay consistent. When a guy says that he doesn't want a relationship, believe it! If you're not having that, then don't get lovey-dovey—but if you do, don't be surprised when you get PLAYED!

Bebe: Let's see, one Red Flag that a guy is not that into you (thus giving you reason to pump your brakes a bit) is if you begin to realize that you are the one who always initiates any outings/dates; this goes for telephone conversations as well. So, if he is not making any efforts to see/talk to you, face it: he's just not into you! One way to find out for sure: cut back on asking him to go out and calling him, sit back, and observe.

Charles Edward Obama (CEO): Honestly, you can never tell for certain. From my experience as a guy, there have been many times when I thought a girl was into me and I was wrong. There have also been times where I thought a girl was not that into me but was wrong too. I think this comes from one main reason: I feel that in a world where each sex play "games" with one another to court one another instead of being "real" about feelings makes it difficult to know for certain. One of the main reasons for all of this is because people have a fear of rejection about putting him or herself out there and finding out the other person doesn't feel the same way. The positive out of being a bit vulnerable and opening up about your feelings is that at least you know. I know for me this is something that I'm working on too, but the world would be better off if more people were upfront about their feelings. So, girls, if you are interested in a guy, tell him upfront, this is the era of the independent woman. Women don't have to be courted anymore. Surprisingly, it is attractive when a girl actually does put themselves out there (if she does it tastefully). And guys, don't be scared to say that you're feeling a girl.

Evolving Brutha: There are several factors that can let you know whether the person you have interest in has those same feelings for you. Body language tells a lot, at least in my experience. I have found myself believing a girl liked me based on our conversations and her ability to confide in me. However, at times that can mean absolutely nothing; she could very well just want you to become a very close friend whom she can count on. I am not going to say nothing is wrong with that, but it can be discouraging at times. Other factors are, she NEVER initiates eye contact with you, conversation slowly starts to fall off (most likely because she can sense you are starting to like her more than she actually likes you), she starts to call you her big brother, and the last but not least, she talks about other guys to you!

Donda: If a guy is into you there is no guessing!! He will find some way to talk to you and get your attention; It should require little to no effort on your part (meaning just a smile from u will do; there are even guys who don't need u to notice or acknowledge them until they comes over to introduce themselves). When he wants u, whether y'all are long-time friends or just meeting each other, he will find a way to come around. If he is shy, he might have a more laid back approach but HE will STILL be the one who suggests hanging out (and HE will ask you for your number, you don't have to offer it). It really isn't rocket science. If women just pay attention to their intuition they will KNOW if a guy is feeling them just by looking into his eyes...you can't lie to yourself, you have that feeling deep down inside that lets you know if you are making excuses for him simply because you really like him. But remember, you can't make a man do anything--and that includes persuading him to see the light, the light that will make him "realize" he likes u...men r not that complicated! And yes, this is ALL from experience! :) Oh and listen to/pay attention to your girlfriends: if you are talking your friends' heads off about a guy and they act like they don't hear you or seem disinterested, it's because they are tired of you embarrassing yourself! They want to you stop wasting your time and precious energy on a guy that is just not that into you! ;) Your friends want the best guy for you because they love you and know you deserve the very best!